2013's Failures...

Joy here…At the end of each year I write a holiday newsletter for family and friends that sums up our year for those we love but don't get to see as often as we'd like.  One of my friends/colleagues (a hilarious and talented author) suggests that instead of these cheery, sun-filled letters (like my last blog post, full of optimism), we, instead, catalogue our year's failures.

And, well, to be fair, I didn't actually take my sporting to a new level in 2013.  I didn't compete in any bike races, sneaking in my one and only running race in December, just before the year ran out, and well, I guess I could say that I took my sport to a new LOW level in 2013, but I don't think that counts.  So failures in 2013 won't be all that hard for me to find.

Thus, in the perverse spirit of Daria Salamon (author of the too-funny novel The Prairie Bridesmaid), here is my summary not of what I achieved in 2013, but rather what I didn't achieve, my top 5 failures:

1.)  I failed to make a million dollars.  Or, to be precise, I didn't earn $7.9million, which is the average compensation for Canada's top 100 CEOs in 2013.  To be fair, that's 171 times the average industrial wage, so while it outstrips my income for 2013, at least I've got company down where I languish with the rest of the plebs.

Here's what they got:

Henley Mansion in England, a $218million house that
I failed to buy in 2013.

Total compensation on average: $7.9 million

Base salary: $1 million

Cash bonuses: $1.73 million

Grants of company shares: $2.24 million

Stocks options: $1.69 million

Other compensation (“perks”): $754,000

Pension value increase: $533,000

Source: Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives

Heck, I might be okay with the "perks" in the "Other compensation" category, but that's just me.  Chalk income up as a big, 2013 FAIL for me.

A kid I failed to have in 2013.

2.)  I failed to have a kid.  Granted, I didn't try, but as anyone from family to random strangers on the street will tell me, I *should* have a kid (my own ambivalence about it all expressed in this blog post from early in 2013 seems to be of no concern to these many *well-wishers*).

Now I could take this as optimistic evidence of the efficacy of condoms as prophylactics. Even without trying to have a kid, there will be more than enough  people to get in line to tell me that in not having one, I am failing, actually, rather that I'm just a failure.  Full stop.  So on this score, in 2013, I failed.

One of the many awards I failed to
receive in 2013.

3.)  I failed to win Canada's top 40 under 40 Award.  Granted, the award is on hold indefinitely at the moment, but still I failed to win it (or any other awards in 2013).  Heck, I didn't win an Oscar in 2013 either, or an Emmy.  I didn't win a Juno or a Grammy either.  Shit.  This list is adding up.

What am I without external validation?  How can I go on living unless a jury of my peers rises up to congratulate me on something?  What is the point of going forward if I can't add a meaningless accolade to my CV?  These and many other soul-searching questions are those I will have to face as I deal with my dearth of awards in 2013.

I failed to keep my anger under wraps in the face
of crazy.

4.)  I failed to keep my temper in check.  More than once.  In the face of crazy.

I mean, I was raised in a whole "turn the other cheek" ethos, and most of the time I try to let crazy roll off me like water off a duck's back, but sometimes I feel like you need to respond to crazy with crazy in a kind of ever-rising stakes game of crazy-ass poker.  "I see your crazy, and I raise you a shouting, swearing insult."  So when I say that I failed to keep my temper in check a few times in 2013, I'm not apologizing, just stating a fact.

Oh, darn, I failed to look like
this in 2013!!!

5.)  I failed to get rid of "thigh gap."  Granted I didn't know that "thigh gap" was a thing, let alone a thing I'm supposed to want to get rid of until nearly the end of 2013, but ignorance of something doesn't make failing it any less so.  Why would I want my legs not to touch each other?  I don't know.  Why would I want an eating disorder?  I don't know.  Why would I want a giant poonanie that's so big it keeps my upper thighs from touching?  I really can't answer that.  But society tells me that I should want thigh gap; I don't have thigh gap, ergo, failing to get thigh gap is one of my many failings in 2013.

As the first week of 2014 where I hit nearly all my workouts nears its close, I hope you like this retrospective of my 2013 failures…

Over and out,
Joy