Marriage: Fighting Together

I think learning how to fight with someone 
you love is important.  Do you?

Joy here...Well, it seems as though my last post about learning how to disagree in a marriage has hit a chord.

You see, where we are supposed to learn about fighting with our partners is probably in our homes when we grow up, but it seems that most of us grow up in families where parental fighting comes in one of the four following categories:

1. Let's not fight in front of the kids.
2. Pointed barbs and harsh words thrown across the dinner table while kids look down at their plates and try to avoid eye contact with everyone.
3. All out parental battles that have the kids scurrying to hide under their beds until the storm blows over.
4. Divorce.

None of these really teach us how to disagree properly or functionally when we grow up, do they?

So I've had to learn along the way (and am still learning; here's another post of some of the lessons I've learned/am learning so far).

I mean, to be fair, I'm not one prone to fighting or anything like that, but I care strongly about some things, and I'm not about to be a pushover about those handful of things that I'm passionate about.  My journey into figuring out how to be a grown up has included figuring out how to not give in and sacrifice a sense of myself while also being open to productive disagreement.

It's harder than you think.

In my last post I talked in general terms about how, for me, this has taken the form of empathy:  "the best disagreements come from productively trying to see the other person's point of view.  In that sense, both partners are actively trying to see through the other's eyes, rather than convert the other to his/her point of view".  One of my good friends read that and wrote to me saying:  "You need to expand the blog update to include some of the so very important points and 'ways' to fight that you provided to me".

How do you fight?

So here are some of the "ways" that I try to use to fight well with the one I love:

• Ask lots of questions rather than make points or attack:  For instance, I'll say things like, "why do you think it's fair that...?" or "why do you think x makes sense?" or "why do you think I deserve that?" etc.
• Let him/her figure things out rather than boss him/her to your side:  I kind of think of it the way I thought about teaching; when I taught (both high school and uni) I wanted to lead students through to discovering things for themselves.  It was no good for me to just tell them what I already knew.  It's not exactly the same with a partner (of course), but no one enjoys being lectured.
• Don't be afraid of bringing feelings into the discussion: I'll try to say things like, "I feel like you're attacking me..." or "I feel like we're talking at cross purposes..." or "I feel a little sensitive about this..." or even "I feel like I won't say this right, but..." I find that doing that helps me to truly identify what I am feeling rather than just spitting out frustrations I may have over the issue at hand.
• Kiss and make up and apologize:  Even in the best marital disagreement, there's probably some aspect that I feel I didn't handle super well, so I usually have to identify that part and apologize for it; sometimes I'll say things like, "I'm sorry that I was a bit mean in that," or "I shouldn't have let that become such a big deal," or whatever. I find that it's just easier to apologize for those parts that I'm not thrilled with myself about.  And kissing afterwards is key...no smouldering resentments allowed!

And, well, if all else fails, go to the gym, build up your muscles, and intimidate your partner! ;)

Over and out,

Joy